Please Forgive Me
by SehunsBae37
Summary: Severus wakes up from a nightmare, the dream being memories that still haunt him. And the reason for them still haunting him is because he needs forgiveness. But forgiveness from who exactly? SeveruseXLily one-shot; mentions of self-harm.


Please Forgive Me

SeverusxLily

Rated T

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or its characters from the franchise. That honor belongs to JK Rowling

Please Forgive Me

Severus shot up in bed breathing heavily as he stared into the darkness of his bedroom. Taking a shaking hand he rubbed it down his face, feeling his forehead covered in a sheen of sweat and his hair plaster to his forehead. Panting a bit before breathing through his nose to calm himself, he looked over to see his fiancé sleeping peacefully next to him, her vibrant red hair spread around her head and along the pillow. Severus stared at her as his heart continued to slow down its beating in his chest before quietly slipping out of bed and leaving the bedroom, heading down the stairs to the living room.

Waving his hand Severus caused the lamp to turn on, as well as the kitchen light. Walking into the kitchen he got a glass of water and headed back into the living room, sitting down on the sofa. Sipping on the water black eyes stared into the wall before setting the glass down. As he did his mind drifted back to the dream he just had, the dream that was memories that still haunted him.

* * *

 _Severus had never been more humiliated in his life. He had taken a lot from those so called Marauders for years, even giving back as good as he got, but this was too much. Here they were having him hung upside down, his shirt over his head and his pants around his ankles, his underwear on display for everyone to see. And the worst thing about it all was that he couldn't do anything about it because that damn idiot Black had his wand, having taken it from him upon them walking up on him. They hadn't even given him a chance to run._

 _"Hey everyone, how about we rid Snivellus of his underwear now?" James Potter, ring leader of the stupid group asked the onlookers loudly._

 _The crowd cheered in response to Gryffindor House's golden boy, causing Severus to struggle as he tried to do something to save the last of his dignity. Just as he could feel his underwear slide down from his waist, a shrill and familiar voice suddenly yelled over the jeering crowd._

 _"JAMES POTTER! YOU PUT HIM DOWN THIS INSTANT!" Lily Evans' cried as she pushed her way through the crowd._

 _"Oh, come on Evans. We're just having a bit of fun with him," Sirius said._

 _"You're humiliating him! Put Severus down_ right now _!"_

 _There was a chuckle and then James said, "As you wish, Evans."_

 _Severus was suddenly dropped down from the air and landed on his head. Scrutinizing pain shot through his cranium but he was sure he was alright. As he sat up he heard Lily yelling at everyone to stop laughing at his expense and to go away. He could imagine how red her face was getting and pretty soon the sound of the other students that had been surrounding him faded away. Pulling his robe out from on top of his head he shimmied his pants back up his waist and fixed himself as Lily began to rip into James, Sirius, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin; aka, the Marauders._

 _"Honestly! You four are unbelievable! Five years of your constant and unnecessary bullying and harassment on Severus and you're_ still _doing it! What is wrong with you all?!" Lily yelled at them._

 _"Oh, come on Lily, we're just having some fun," James replied, not sounding at all sorry about what he had done. Sirius snickered beside him and added, "Yeah, and it's not our fault Snivellus wasn't able to defend himself."_

 _"That's because you took his wand from him before he could, you shite-head! When are the two of you going to ever grow up? Your ploys to get attention are worthless and insufferable! You two will never grow up and be taken seriously by anyone of authority! Just because you come from big family names and think you can do what you want because Dumbledore overlooks every so called prank you do, doesn't mean you can do what you want when you want!" She then zeroed her green eyes in on Peter and Remus. "And you two! All you ever do is follow along with them and let them do whatever they want without doing anything to tell them otherwise! You both are pathetic! Especially you, Remus! I'm very disappointed in you! Of the four of you, you're the only one worth being around and you don't even lift a finger to stop them from hurting anybody, from hurting Severus!"_

 _Sirius frowned and yelled, "Hey, don't talk to Moony like that!"_

 _James nodded and said, "Yeah, don't speak to him like that. And stop talking to us like you're our mothers. All you do is nag us, and for what? For this filthy Slytherin Death Eater? It'd be better if he just died and then you'd finally see that he isn't worth it."_

 _Lily gasped before, without anyone being able to see it coming, slapping her hand across James' face. She hit him so hard she knocked his glasses from his face and he stumbled back into Sirius. Looking up in shock, brown eyes looked into fuming green ones as he stammered out, "Wh-What the h-hell, Evans?"_

 _"How dare you say that about Severus? He's my best friend and always will be. And for your information, it'd be better if_ you _just disappeared, away from Severus and from me. You aren't worth anything attractive to me and I don't understand why every girl seems to think you are. You are childish, insufferable, and forever an arrogant toe-rag. And I'm very aware of your obvious like for me, but I will never like or be with you._ Never _," Lily hissed._

 _James' expression took on one from shock to looking like a scolded puppy. His pride was hurt, very much. The girl he wants, the one girl he can't seem to get, just told him to his face that he wasn't worth it and that she'd never be interested in him. That was seriously a blow to his pride. Glaring at her he stomped away and said, "Come on, blokes. Let's leave her and her_ precious Snivellus _."_

 _Sirius and Peter followed behind James, Remus hesitantly following after giving Lily and Severus a sad look. The moment they were gone Lily turned around to Severus who was packing his bag full of his books, as well as grabbing his wand that Sirius dropped, and was making a hasty retreat to the castle. Going after him she called, "Severus, wait!"_

 _"What?" Severus asked stopping to glare at Lily. "What do you want?"_

 _The redhead blanched a bit at the look in his black eyes before asking, "Sev, what's wrong?"_

 _Severus looked off to the side before saying, "You didn't have to do that. Why did you do that?"_

 _"Sev, I had to do something! They were humiliating you in front of everyone!"_

 _"Yes, and you humiliated me further! I didn't need your help or you saving me!"_

 _Lily looked at her best friend in disbelief before her expression turned to one of anger. Her cheeks turning pink with her angered emotions she asked, "That's why you're mad? Because I helped you? You mean to tell me your pride is hurt because you were helped by a girl while you were_ helpless _?" Seeing that she had hit the nail on the head she continued. "Come on, Sev! You weren't able to do anything! I can't believe you're upset about this! Or is it because of what Potter did and said? That's no reason to be upset."_

 _"It's every reason to be upset! He humiliated me in front of the school and even those who didn't see it will know about it! He took my pants off of me and then tried to do the same with my underwear! And then to add insult to injury, he dropped me on my head, only after_ you _told him to!"_

 _"I didn't tell him to drop you on your head!"_

 _"Damn it, Lily! Don't you understand that you only make my life harder here when you interfere against them with me?! My life is already a living hell, and I don't need a stupid Mudblood like you to make it worse or completely ruin it!"_

 _A horrified gasp escaped Lily's throat just as Severus realized what he had said. No, no, no! He hadn't meant to say that! He didn't! Lily is his best friend and he doesn't think that about her or judge anyone by their blood status, something he himself gets jabs for from his own Housemates. Looking into the face of the love of his life, he saw that she had paled considerably and her green eyes were filling with tears as she looked at him as if she didn't know who he was anymore._

 _Knowing he had to try and fix this, he reached out to her and said, "Lily, I didn't mean-"_

 _Lily smacked his hand away and backed away from him as her tears spilled over onto her cheeks. When he tried again she slapped him in his face, the impact making his cheek sting and he knew it was already red. Lily shook her head before saying through her tears, "I can't believe you said that to me. I thought you were different from the others…I thought you were my best friend…but you know what? You're not better than the others. Nice to know how you really feel about me, Severus; it really is." She sniffled and tried to wipe her tears, but more kept spilling over. "Well, you won't have to worry about this stupid Mudblood ruining your life anymore, because I'm never speaking to you again. Goodbye, Severus."_

 _Severus watched her turn and walk away from him, her footsteps quickening before turning into a run. And at that moment, he felt his heart break and tears filled his own eyes. Knowing he'd never get Lily to forgive him, he placed his face in his hand and tried to keep his own tears from falling. He'd never get his best friend back, and he knew it._

* * *

 _Severus hissed as Madame Pompfrey healed his broken nose before pressing a cool cloth to it. She frowned sympathetically at him, seeing as this was the fourth time he'd been in the Hospital Wing for the week. She knew that James Potter and his bunch were beating up on the poor boy again, and it seemed to her that this time he wasn't fighting back. She, as did everyone else in the school, knew about that incident that had happened last week and what Severus had called Lily out of humiliation. The boy seemed to be much more miserable than ever now._

 _Sighing she lifted his head and asked, "Severus, why are you letting them hurt you like this?"_

 _"Because I deserve it," he answered._

 _"No, you don't. You made a mistake, Severus. You said something in anger and hurt Lily by it, but you didn't mean it. I know that, you know that, and I know that Lily knows that as well."_

 _"But I still said it. And Lily will never forgive me for it. Our friendship is over and now she hates me."_

 _Madame Pompfrey placed her hand gently on his shoulder and replied, "No, she doesn't. Lily will come around and forgive you, I just know it. You are her best friend, after all."_

 _Severus shook his head and got up from the hospital bed. Grabbing his bag he said, "No, she won't and she never will."_

 _He left the Hospital Wing, ignoring the sad look the MediWitch was giving him and headed towards the steps that led down into the dungeons. However he stopped when he saw Lily up on the Second Floor, heading for the Seventh Floor for the Gryffindor Common Room. He wanted to talk to her, but every time he tried she'd ignore him and brush him off. And other times, those stupid Marauders would show up and beat on him for what he called Lily. It didn't matter that it had been an accident; he was a Slytherin and he had called her the lowest name there was for a Muggleborn. He didn't deserve forgiveness from Lily, but he loved her more than anything and just wanted her friendship back._

 _Making a decision Severus headed down to Slytherin Dungeon and dropped his things off in his dorm before leaving once again and heading back towards the First Floor. He ignored the looks of disgust thrown at him and walked with determination up the stairs to the Seventh Floor. Finally reaching it he headed for the portrait of the Fat Lady and stopped in front of it. The Fat Lady raised an eyebrow at him before asking, "Can I help you, child?"_

 _"Yes, if you can. I need to speak to Lily, please," Severus replied. "I really need to talk to her and apologize for what I said."_

 _"Miss Evans?" Realization came over her face. "Oh, so you're the one all the little lions are talking about with blatant hate for what you called her?"_

 _Severus looked down in shame at his feet, embarrassed that even the portrait new. Before he could say anything though, the Marauders walked up and stopped seeing him standing in front of the entrance to the Gryffindor Common Room. Sneering at him Sirius asked, "What are you doing here, Snivellus? Back for another beating?"_

 _Squaring his shoulders Severus replied, "I'm here to see Lily. I want to talk to her."_

 _James growled and grabbed Severus by his shirt, getting in his face as he hissed, "You stay away from her, you Slytherin scum."_

 _"Mr. Potter, let him go this instant before I report you for fighting in the corridors," the Fat Lady said with a stern look on her face. Once James had let Severus go, she said, "Get inside and leave him alone."_

 _James and Sirius glared at Severus as the portrait opened and allowed them entrance, Remus and Peter following behind. Once the portrait was closed again the Fat Lady looked at Severus sadly and said, "I'm sorry dear, but I can't allow you inside to talk to her, and I can't make her come out here to you if she refuses."_

 _"Then I'll wait here," Severus said determinedly. "I'll wait as long as it takes."_

 _And wait he did. Even when Lily's friends Alice and Frank came up from the library, completely surprised at seeing him sitting against the wall next to the Common Room entryway, and told Lily he was waiting and her refusing, he still waited. Pretty soon it was past curfew and he got more than one write-ups and detentions, but he still sat there waiting, hoping Lily would come and speak with him. He had ended up falling asleep where he was, and wasn't woken up until the next morning by the one person he waited all night to see._

 _Standing quickly he said, "Lily! I've been waiting for you."_

 _Lily looked at him with an expressionless gaze before saying, "I know, and apparently the whole night. What do you want, Severus?"_

 _Slightly taken aback by the cold tone she was using with him, Severus said, "I want to talk to you, to apologize for what I said. You have to understand that I didn't mean what I said. You know I don't believe that about you, about anyone's blood status."_

 _"Do I? Do I really know that?" Lily sighed before repositioning her school bag on her shoulder and began talking again. "Severus, I don't care what you have to say to me, and I don't care to hear your apologies. They mean nothing to me and if you really didn't think that, you wouldn't have said it. I told you I never wanted to talk to you again, and that also means I don't want to see your face either. We're done Severus, and nothing you do will fix this. Now leave me alone."_

 _"Lily," Severus said brokenly as the redhead brushed past him and headed down the stairs for the Great Hall. He watched her retreating form, his heart constricting painfully in his chest. Nothing he said to her was going to make her listen, to make her try and understand. But he gave it one last try._

 _Gathering his courage he went after her and stopped a few steps above her and finally confessed, "Lily, I love you!"_

 _The Gryffindor girl stopped in her tracks, her entire frame frozen at the words. Severus held his breath as he waited for Lily to do something, to say something. He was bearing his heart to her now and he didn't think he'd be able to bear it if she coldly rejected him or laughed in his face. Lily turned to look at him and green eyes stared into black. Severus hoped to Merlin that she could see the truth and love in his eyes. She blinked at him before turning and continuing down the stairs, leaving the Slytherin boy behind as his heart broke in two._

* * *

 _Severus sat up in the Astronomy Tower later that evening around sunset, staring out across the grounds and beyond. Dried tear stained ran down his face and he looked worse for wear than usual. In his hands he fiddled with a pocketknife, the same pocketknife his father had given him as a boy before finding out he was a wizard. He had always contemplated using it, mainly against the bastard and especially after he beat his mother to death. But now…now seemed just as good a time as any to finally put it to use._

 _Reaching into the pocket of his robes, he pulled out a folded piece of paper and set it next to him, Lily's name written upon it. Taking the knife he held it to his wrist after rolling up his sleeves and took a deep breath before slicing into the skin there. He did the same to the other wrist, cutting deeply and watching as crimson liquid flowed out of his veins and onto his skin._

 _Satisfied he placed the knife on top of the letter before leaning back against the railing and closing his eyes, waiting for death to claim him._

* * *

Severus rubbed over the scars on his wrists, the scars that he now bared from his failed suicide attempt. He had hated it the moment he had woken up in the Hospital Wing to find his wrists wrapped and bandaged, realizing someone had stopped his slow death and got him help when he didn't want it. Imagine his surprise when he found Lily sitting next to him with tears swimming in her eyes and running down her face. She had been the one to find him and had immediately gotten help, as well as reading the letter he had left for her. She had read it while waiting for him to wake up and as soon as he had, she had begun apologizing to him and letting him know that she did indeed know he hadn't meant to call her a Mudblood and that he didn't believe any of that blood superiority stuff. Finding him like that had scared her terribly and made her realize she couldn't go the rest of her life without him in it, no matter how she tried to convince herself she could.

They had reconciled and started their friendship anew, much to the shock and chagrin of both Gryffindor and Slytherin House, and no one was more upset about it than James Potter and Sirius Black. Lily wasn't able to tell Severus she loved him until a year later, but she did and they had been together ever since. She had forgiven him, just as he had forgiven her, and now they were engaged and going to marry soon. But even so, Severus was still haunted by those memories. Even to this day, he didn't fully believe he deserved Lily's forgiveness and wondered if it would have just been better for her to leave him to die.

Soft footsteps descended the stairs, followed by a soft call of, "Severus?"

Turning his head Severus saw Lily coming towards him dressed in her satin nightgown that stopped mid-calf. Giving him a worried look she asked, "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine," Severus replied. "I'm just thinking about some things, nothing too important."

Lily would have believed that if she hadn't known her fiancé all of her life. Green eyes took notice of long pale fingers rubbing the still sensitive scars on Severus' wrist and realization came over her. Moving to sit next to him on the sofa she gently placed her hand on top of the healed wounds and used the other to make Severus look at her. When black eyes met hers she softly said, "You're thinking about that again."

Severus sighed and looked down, looking at the engagement ring on Lily's finger before closing his eyes. Sighing he said, "I dreamt about what happened between us in Sixth Year again. It's just…the memory is so vivid in my mind, even though it was four years ago that it happened. And I can't help but remember all the bad memories and the awful things I felt. I still…"

He trailed off, causing Lily to frown. Leaning into him to look at his face she asked, "You still what?" When he made to hide his face behind his dark hair she asked more sternly, "You don't what, Sev?"

"I still don't believe that I deserve your forgiveness from that time. Even now I still believe that you shouldn't have forgiven me, that you should still hate me for what I called you, for what I said. I still don't believe I was worth all of the trouble I caused you or the pain that I made you feel. I just…I just…" Tears filled his eyes before speaking again. "I just think I should have died the night you found me. But all I've ever wanted was your forgiveness, even if I didn't ever get it. Just…please forgive me, Lily. Please forgive me."

Lily felt her heart ache in pain for her fiancé. She couldn't believe he was still in pain over what had transpired between them four years ago. She didn't think that event would scar him for life mentally. She didn't think that it would continue to haunt him to this day. She had hoped that after she forgave him and let him know that she was there to stay and wouldn't turn her back on him again, that he'd eventually get over what had happened and look forward to their future together with her. But she hadn't realized just how severely he had been affected by that horrible stain in their lives. And even now Severus was still begging her for her forgiveness, even though she had given it to him.

Wrapping her arms around him she held him close to her and allowed him to bury his face into her neck, his own arms wrapping around her waist. As she held him she said, "Severus, there is nothing to forgive anymore. I've forgiven you a long time ago. But you have to forgive yourself for what happened. Forgive and forget, and if you can't forget then just forgive yourself. You'll never be able to fully heal and move past this if you don't." Pulling away she gently took his face in her hands and looked deeply into his black eyes. "I love you Severus, I love you so much. And I want our future together to be bright, but it can't be if you continue to allow this black cloud of horrible memories to hang above your head. If it helps you to feel better, I forgive you my love. But you have to forgive yourself."

Severus' tears spilled over and he nodded before burying his face back into his fiancé's neck, sniffling as he silently cried. He knew Lily was right; he needed to forgive himself for what had happened. It would probably take some time, but he knew he would in time. As he found comfort in Lily's embrace, he relaxed as she soothingly rubbed his back and hummed softly. Eventually he did pull away and press his forehead against hers.

"It will take some time, but I'll try," Severus told her softly. Giving her a soft smile he said, "I love you, Lily."

"I love you too, Sev," Lily replied with a smile. She pressed her lips against his in a sweet, love filled kiss before standing and holding her hand out to him. "Come on, let's go back to bed."

The wizard nodded and took the witch's hand, allowing her to lead him back up the stairs to their bedroom. And as they settled back into bed, he wrapped his arms around her while resolving himself to be able to forgive himself for what happened in their Sixth Year. It would take some time he knew, but all wounds heal with time and he and Lily knew that this one would as well.


End file.
